Festivus Films for the Rest of Us

I don't believe in God or Santa Claus [gasp]. Plus I've never seen a partridge in a pear tree; I want Christmas to be 70 degrees and sunny and not white; and if I hear 'Dominick the Donkey' one more time, I'm hunting down the songwriters with a bazooka.

On the other hand, I love to see children opening gifts, I've framed the cover of Maria Carey's holiday album [hubba-hubba], and I carry an unlimited supply of mistletoe. So Scrooge I ain't.

And just to prove it, I'm compiling and sharing a list of my top 10 Christmas DVD offerings. You won't find the old chestnuts like 'Its A Wonderful Life', 'White Christmas', or 'Miracle on 34th Street' on it, if only for the same reason that even pizza isn't enjoyable if you eat it every day.

And if you check back next year, you may even find a different grouping of watchable flicks. The only constant here is change.

10] Seinfeld,'The Strike', first aired December 18, 1997

'And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!' - Frank Costanza

I swiped the title of this blog entry from this Seinfeld episode. Festivus, of course, is a fake holiday, now 'officially' celebrated on December 23rd. I highly recommend episode writer Daniel O'Keefe's book 'The Real Festivus', which reveals an early version of the holiday as celebrated by his family.

9] Arthur C. Clarke's 'The Star' from Infinity Science Fiction, November, 1955

'Oh God, there were so many stars you could have used. What was the need to give these people to the fire, that the symbol of their passing might shine above Bethlehem?' - Father Matthew Karsighan

Though technically a prose story, it was dramatized on 'The New Twilight Zone' on December 20, 1985 -- which allows me to sneak this on the list. [Hey! Its *my* list! If I want to cheat, I'll cheat!]

Astronauts find the remnants of an advanced civilization, whose art, music and culture were leaps and bounds over ours. Tragically, itwas all wiped out when their star exploded about 2000 years ago and gave three earthly wise men a beacon. See the quote above.

Yeah, a semi-serious entry amongst my frivolity. Sorry about that. Won't happen again.

8] Home Alone (1990)

'This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone.' - Kevin McCallister

Has Road Runner-esque violence and a pre-annoying Macauley Caulkin. And I'm not sure I should reveal this, but I actually have that issue of Playboy that Kevin finds in Buzz's room [July 1989, with Erika Eleniak of 'Baywatch' as Miss July].

7] National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

'Welcome to our home - what's left of it.' - Ellen

They tried traveling twice, and this time the Griswald's seem to have learned their lesson and stay home. Should be safe, right? A truly dysfunctional family that makes all of ours look normal.

6] Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

'Why, any doe would be lucky to know someone with a nose like that.' - Clarice

Oh, OK, so its schmaltzy and intended for little kids. But think of Rudolph as Rocky Balboa and you can justify watching it once again. Maybe not to your friends, of course, but to your inner voice.

5] A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

'I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It's not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.' - Linus Van Pelt

All of Charles Schultz's classic set pieces are here, from Lucy's psychiatrist booth to Snoopy and his doghouse. But its really all about the over-commercialization and true meaning of Christmas. Even ol' bah-humbug me appreciates the moral. [and I think I had a tree just like Charlie's once]

4] Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983)

'Bah humbug!' - Scrooge McDuck

There's so many versions of Charles Dickens' classic floating around, but this is probably the best one [with apologies to Bill Murray]. Jiminy Cricket ... er, The Ghost of Christmas Past ... always reminded me of the ledger they supposedly keep at the Pearly Gates. I hope my final judgement re Christmas will be a hearty thumbs up.

3] How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)

'I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.' - Singer

Yeah, Jim Carrey did OK in the remake, but Boris Karloff and animator Chuck Jones defined the role.

I suffered through the reading of Beowulf in English like everyone else, but Dr. Seuss reworks the story to good advantage here.

2] The Santa Clause (1994)

'We're your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.' - E.L.F.S. Leader

I have great memories of watching this over and over again with my kid. And I still can't watch TV's 'Numb3rs' without picturing David Krumholtz as head elf Bernard.

And finally ---

1] Die Hard (1988)

'Yippee-ki-yay' - John McClain

Oh, c'mon, did anyone really think I'd create a list that didn't include a murder and mayhem and special effects flick? Non-traditional and non-preachy for the new Christmas classic. And no reindeer, turtle doves, elves, geese, swimming swans nor partridges were harmed during the filming of this film [though reportedly a piper and maid did go missing]

Now anyone else's list will certainly differ. And there's a half-dozen other TV episodes that belong here ['A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas' comes immediately to mind -- Stewie's version of Santa as an omnipotent being capable of delivering plutonium is classic].

And now to go find a bazooka and a damn donkey named Dominick.